It's one of those nights.
One of those "I'm dead to the world but can't sleep" doozies.
Make no mistake, I'm exhausted.
I had less than five hours sleep last night.
I think I may be less than a few steps away from a fully fledged nervous breakdown.
I'm sat here writing this in a feeble attempt to ward it off.
See, here's the thing: I haven't felt this bad, for this long, in... well, ever...
Usually, I feel like this for a while, but somehow or other manage to muddle my way back to point A.
This time, I feel like I'm lost in the maze without a map.
Before you ask, yes I am getting some help. And yes, I'm aware there's been a certain theme to my posts of late.
But today I sat at my desk at work and bawled my eyes out.
I have no idea what brought it on.
Classic symptom of neurosis include: finally getting what Adele's been on about all these years. "I'm so mad at getting old, it makes me reckless." I hear that. I wish I was 18 again.
I honestly feel rudderless right now. I want to adopt a posture of humility, to stop pushing people away, and get on with putting hand to the plow. I know how much work I have to do.
Instead, I'm just angry all the time, at people who deserve it the least.
But my ankle is killing me, and my vocal folds have swollen, I can feel the steel in my feet and my bones and all I want to do right now is curl up in a ball and watch the world vanish.
I miss my aunt, my nana. Even my dad.
Help is coming, I've appointments next week.
Time for drastic action and to make a break out of here.
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