Woman of the year

Like Kate Bush, our lady blogger keeps running up that hill.

I feel that I am racing to publish now to reach some sort of finish line. Blogging is hard uphill slog especially with my gnat-like attention span and the myriad other things that I'm trying to get finished (deadlines for journalism can be a real stinker, and we have no less than 40 stories to pump out before end of term). But it's been a month since I started the course, and I wanted to touch base and tell you all how it's going.

I'm pleased to report that I haven't quit.

There's been fist-fights and pissing contests but I think I'm making my way through.

So far, three people have left the course just in the last two weeks. Not gonna lie, for a while I thought I was going to be one of them. 

It was and remains difficult to stay on track. Every time I do or say something stupid or get a mark I don't like in a test or fail to get a pitch ignited there's an involuntary mental flagellation.

Then there was the time I had a panic attack in class. I still hope that no one saw but I can't be certain.

Trying to hide having a panic attack while in a small, claustrophobic lecture room is akin to sending an elephant down a laundry chute. Tricky to manoeuver, hard to pull off, with a nasty surprise for whoever's waiting at the other end.

More on that later. 

First, what's changed in my life since I left off?

- I think I'm seeing the beginning buds of what might be a relationship - albeit one complicated by, you guessed it, factors involving geographical distance and religious faith (this time, the guy's in the same vicinity; he just hasn't pitched tent in quite the right camp.)
I honestly don't know what could happen here, or how I feel yet, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

- I'm now completing writing and research as a journalist daily and have been published in several local papers with the big one coming up over the next couple of weeks.

- I'm heading back this week to the gym after months and months away.

What am I still doing too much of? Well, I'm gradually making my way through the "to do" pile, though distraction comes cheap and easy, and I'm still putting away far more calories than I'd like.

What else is new?

I went to see Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame performing in Auckland over Easter. He was bewildered and brilliant. I can't believe I got to see Al Jardine and Blondie Chaplin as well sharing the stage. Brian got up and exited a few times throughout the evening. Maybe he needed the loo; hard to say. They played a long set. My brother reckoned "he just knew when it was over, that's all."

I've had dead-ends with my reporting, self-edits and internal combustion.

So what's this post really about?

I've been thinking about Sophie Scholl.

This is the woman I want to be when I grow up. Sophie Scholl was one of the few Christians in Nazi Germany to stand up against Hitler during the second world war. She lost her life for it.

She had a chance to back out and avoid the executioner's blade, but she refused to compromise her principles.

In a scene from the movie based on her life, her interrogator washes his hands like Pontius Pilate and walks away.

A fitting image for Easter time.

This year, I got to tell you the rapid onset of panic hasn't been so hot. The social anxiety has felt more crippling than ever, the intense feelings I get when someone gets up and moves across the other side of the room and away from me and my own knack for trying too hard have increased in the hubris of university life. In all the jockeying for position, to see who gets what published first, I sense I'm the horse with the worst odds.

Or when I get stuck in a room with my tutor and two other girls from my class grappling desperately with the rules of backgammon and my un-mathematical brain firmly refuses to budge.

Even in those moments, I'm starting to get used to that odd girl who is half of me in all her awkwardness. I've always been stuck with her, maybe now I'm starting to stick by her. 

Maybe even like her a little.

But I'm learning. It's ok to stand against the tide. And so I'm ok with being miss unpopularity. Though my decisions will never create ripples through history, one day I'm hoping I can make everyday choices in small ways to be a better person. Choices as good as Sophie's were.